I’ve decided to take a break from dating for awhile. I’ve only had my heart broken once (by Tim, the first guy I met), but most of the rest of my experiences have boiled down to this: the men I’ve seen more than once all have some sort of lingering issue/drama with a previous relationship which basically makes them unavailable to me. I can only conclude based on my limited sample size that many men are using online dating as a way to feed their ego while they lick their wounds from their own latest heartbreak.

If anyone is actually reading this and would like to help me write a profile for when I’m ready to dive back in, I’d love to hear from you.

In my last post I mentioned that Matt had gone back to his ex-girlfriend.

Well guess who called me the very next day? You guessed! You’re so smart! He called, left a voicemail and texted actually (all after I’d gone to bed).

When I got up the next morning and saw it I just laughed. I was tempted to contact him, but after a few days I decided not to. I haven’t spoken much yet about Dale, but he is a sweetheart although things are moving very slowly. It didn’t seem right to rock that boat.

Then yesterday as I was working at home my phone rang. It was Matt. I hemmed and hawed over whether to answer it, and finally did. Apparently it didn’t work out with the ex-girlfriend (gee, I could have told him that based on what he’d shared about her on our date) and he “didn’t see any reason why we can’t go out again.”

I’m sure you’ll think I’m crazy, but I’m seeing him tonight. Mostly because I’m so damn curious. And he is really cute. I have not forgotten the jerk factor (three broken dates including the final one when he said he was going back to his ex). But there is nothing wrong with going out.

Has it really been almost a month since I last posted??? So many updates, so little time….

First, a quick update on where I left things off – for those of you keeping score at home, here’s what I posted last time:

• Friday noontime: Coffee with Matt (who I’ve been IM’ing with)
• Saturday afternoon: Ice cream with Mitch (who I spoke with on the phone last night)
• Saturday night: unofficial impromptu “Girls Night Out” with high school friends reunited via Facebook (not a date, but it is why I’m not dating that night!)
• Sunday afternoon: Movie with Dave (our second date)

Bob is away on business and I’ve heard from a new guy, Dale, who I’m looking forward to learning more about. And Kevin, my left coast guy, still out there!

So the coffee with Matt was fun. A lot of chemistry there. We did go on a second date, which was a lot of fun, and had planned a third, but his ex-girlfriend and he apparently got back together. I was fine with it. Matt was completely cute and sexy, but he had a jerk quality about him too, and cuteness doesn’t outweigh that over time.

Mitch and I had ice cream on Saturday – what a dull date.

Girls Night Out was a blast – we’re doing another one in March!

Second date with Dave was our last (my choice). We saw “Sherlock Holmes” which was just OK. We were both happy it explained itself as it was happening.

I have updates on both Dale and Kevin, as well as a one date experience with Jay.

But you’ll have to wait for the next post for that!

I have a full slate of dates between Friday and Sunday:

• Friday noontime: Coffee with Matt (who I’ve been IM’ing with)
• Saturday afternoon: Ice cream with Mitch (who I spoke with on the phone last night)
• Saturday night: unofficial impromptu “Girls Night Out” with high school friends reunited via Facebook (not a date, but it is why I’m not dating that night!)
• Sunday afternoon: Movie with Dave (our second date)

Bob is away on business and I’ve heard from a new guy, Dale, who I’m looking forward to learning more about. And Kevin, my left coast guy, still out there!

My cup is overflowing!

Yes, I’ve had two dates since I last posted. With the same man! And a tiny bit of drama with another. Let’s get to the update, shall we?

When you last heard from me I was about to go on a first date with Bob, whose 17 year old daughter posted his profile. He is 55 to my 46, and while the 8.5 year age difference is not so huge, it’s our kids’ ages which is. I am upfront about the ages of my kids in my profile since I’d rather someone know that up front, so he did know. His kids are 17 and 20. We are at very different phases of our parenting journey. While we haven’t specifically addressed this, it is something I’m always concerned about.

However, not an issue! At least not on this first date. I had very low expectations, but we met in the living room-like bar area of a local restaurant for drinks and appetizers and ended up closing the restaurant. Conversation flowed fairly easily and we discussed what we might like to do on a second date. There was a hug in the parking lot at the end. He is very tall! When I got home he had emailed me saying he’d had a good time and hoping I did too.

Meanwhile, I had made plans to see Dave for the second time on Saturday night. My girls were spending the night at a friend’s and I knew I’d have the night to  myself. We didn’t set anything specific, just sort of earmarked it.

Then Bob called and asked me out for Saturday. I made the executive decision to accept his invitation and find a way to get out of going out with Dave. Which I did with a little white lie. He surprised me by not pulling a “poor me” on me (which he had been doing a bit of).

So Saturday night Bob and I had our second date.

We met at a different restaurant for, wait for it, drinks and appetizers.  We had a fun discussion about the gender associated with certain adult beverages. Lots of good food, and I got him to try a cosmo (he liked it!). Then we were off to a nearby comedy club at a golf course where he is apparently a regular (for the comedy, not the golf). And which I had no idea existed! The venue is very small – there were probably less than 50 people in the audience – but three out of the four comics were very funny. The fourth (who was actually second) was not so hot. Or funny. Oh well, three out of four ain’t bad, and it gives you something fun to discuss later!

Back to the restaurant where I had left my car and we decided to go in for some coffee. We ended up having another drink and sharing a dessert. And closing the restaurant.

A kiss that was more than a peck but less than passionate in the parking lot, and we parted ways.

And then, tick tock, I didn’t hear from him on Sunday. Or Monday. Which was unlike his previous level of contact. And which, let me say, is fine. I am, or was, his first date since his divorce. I hope he is seeing other people to see who is out there and what he might be looking for some 20+ years after his last date. And while I like him a lot, I’m not sure I’m attracted to him in “that way”. I would hate for him to see only me just because he likes me and (maybe) thinks I am the best he can do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty great! But I have to think he’s pretty great too, and I’m still figuring that out about people.

Then he called on Tuesday night just to “check in”. We had a fun talk. He is going to be away on business through Sunday and we made no future plans.

Now for the drama:

Since I had cancelled my date with Dave for Saturday, he seemed to have disappeared. At first I was slightly hurt/annoyed. And then I decided it was for the best. Dave is a cop who works odd hours and makes life or death decisions about the people he manages and any civilians in the way. He spoke about how stressed out this makes him (understandable). But he also talked about being rejected for odd reasons, his depression over the holidays each year and it felt a little like too much, too soon, more problems than I really want to sign up for.

And then today he IM’d me out of the blue, apologizing for disappearing. He talked about some very stressful situations he’d had on the job since we’d last talked, and that he had been punishing himself by staying away from pleasant things (yes, that’s exactly what he said). Go ahead and call me crazy, but I will probably see him over the weekend, assuming I can get a sitter.

And Kevin is still in the mix – my left coast guy who is hopefully coming east next week when we’ll have a chance to meet!

In my last post I said I was going to take a break until January. Well, it’s January, and my break is officially over! It seems lots of men made it their resolution to get cracking on finding someone in 2010, because I’ve been getting a lot of response from my profile on Plenty of Fish (separate profile related post coming up).

First, an update on James. After IM’ing and texting a bit over the holiday break, it became clear that we are not going to be romantic partners. I admit I was pushing this more than I felt it, but sensed a lack of interest on his part and gave him the out. He sent me the absolute nicest “blow off” email in response (truly, this was a work of art) and we have communicated since. Not everyone you meet has to be a “love connection” and it’s nice we can acknowledge and appreciate the level we did connect on.

OK, moving on.

I have three more men I’m juggling.

I had a first date with Dave on Sunday night. We had IM’d for a few days prior and had developed a rapport. We met at the bar of a chain restaurant and I’m not sure he stopped touching me in one way or another the entire time. Being somewhat deprived in this area, a part of me really liked it! Another part thought it was a bit much for a first date, despite our earlier conversations. But I do plan to see him again.

Tonight is a first date with Bob. I contacted him first. His 17 year old daughter actually posted his profile (originally without his knowledge!) and I found it very charming. He wrote back, we spoke on the phone and are meeting tonight. I will be his first date since his very amicable divorce a year ago. I’m looking forward to meeting him, but am not expecting much based on his relative inexperience in the dating world. Then again, he may surprise me!

And then there is Kevin. He actually lives on the left coast, but travels monthly to the east coast for business. He and I have developed a very flirtatious interaction via IM, and have spoken on the phone. Because of his location he and I will never be serious, but I am looking forward to meeting him when he comes east in a few weeks. Figures I like him best (so far).

It’s been very interesting for me to discover (slowly) what it is that attracts me to a man. I only wish I could figure out what men themselves are looking for.

Oh, what have I gotten myself into???

I found a new online site, specifically targeted at single parents. I created a free account the other day. And nearly immediately started getting “flirts” and emails. But I couldn’t read them because I hadn’t paid for their service! You can look around for free, but you can’t contact (or see contacts from) anyone until you pony up some cash. So, my curiosity got the best of me (damn me!) and I decided to go for a one month membership, which still set me back almost $20.

I eagerly checked the message portion of my account to see…….emails from men in Canada, Arizona, Washington and Wisconsin. I’d like to remind you that I live in New England. In the United States. I added a statement to my profile after this saying that I was not into the long distance thing – please be sure we are a reasonable driving distance away. I’ve seen more than a couple of men say in their profiles that distance is no object to find love. Well, it’s a very big object for me, at least especially in the online world.

One local man did email me, and we chatted briefly using that site’s instant messaging feature. I knew when he said he had “too girls”, asked “what you name” and “want to get cofie later” that this was not the man for me. Spelling doesn’t count in IM, but that usually refers to typos rather than displaying your complete inability to write the English language. Call me picky, I’m OK with that.

Overnight I got two new emails from men via Plenty of Fish, where I hadn’t gotten any response in quite awhile. Both said some variation of “Wow, you are really attractive.” While I’m happy to have someone think so, I don’t expect that to be the be-all, end-all of your first interaction with me. And it was. I have exchanged a few emails, and since some instant messaging, with one of those men. Again, the spelling is atrocious. I asked what he was looking for and he responded, “long term.” I pressed on – what qualities are you looking for? He said, “I’m interested in what’s in someone’s  heart.” <Reminder: this is the man whose first communication to me was completely about what I looked like, and nothing regarding the content of my profile.> Finally he said, “are you loving and caring?” I said that I think most people would describe themselves that way, including me. He seemed absolutely thrilled to hear this. Trying to dig a little deeper I asked him for his top three favorite movies. Any guesses as to his answers? Aw, I’ll just tell you: American Pie, Beverly Hills Cop and 48 Hours. I know those are “guy” movies. I’ve seen, and even enjoyed, them all. But top three? No way.

He said, “I am beginning to like you already,” and I’m thinking, “Why??” So I asked him, “What makes you think we would be a good match?” <Too snarky? I was feeling it, but he didn’t seem to notice.> He said, “Because you like the Pats and Sox and that you like romance.” Point of Order: I never said I liked romance. It’s not that I don’t like romance (does anyone not like romance?), but I would never say so, certainly not using the actual word “romance.”

He then asked me my New Year’s Eve plans (a first date on New Year’s Eve? I don’t think so) and luckily I already have plans. With friends. He then asked if I’d like to get together after the holidays. I hovered my fingers over the keyboard a bit before saying “I’m afraid I don’t think we have that much in common. I’m sorry.” He never responded.

My lesson of the day: There are a lot of guys out there I have zero interest in.

I think I may take a break until January.

OK, morose post coming up. Self-serving, feeling-sorry-for-myself post. If you don’t like whine with your cheese, feel free to skip. No, wait, please don’t, that will make me feel worse. Humor me and read it – leave a comment. Lift my spirits, if you can.

So I wrote about Edward saying he’d met someone he was going to pursue things with. Someone who isn’t me, I might add. This was after a very good first date, and several conversations afterwards. In his email he seemed to imply that he’ll be back in touch if things don’t work out. And I’m thinking to myself – Why would I agree to that? You found someone “better” than me so I have to assume I’m not what really tickles your fancy, and I’d just be someone for you to mark time with until that someone does come along. Right now I’m thinking I don’t think so.

And of course Tim going back to his ex-girlfriend, which pretty much ripped my heart out. Dramatic? Maybe, but I really was smitten, and he seemed to be as well. I wrote earlier about expecting to hear from him someday, and I honestly don’t know what I would do (but it’s fun to fantasize about). A lot would depend on what had happened in the meantime.

So I’ve been dumped twice in three weeks.

It occurs to me that I’m right back where I started* when I decided to jump into the dating world a few weeks ago, but with lower self-esteem.

* I am still “active” with James and do expect to see him again. Although at this point it would not surprise me in the least if he told me he was going to see someone else exclusively.

So after having a really great first date with Edward, then heading out of town for a long weekend, and then him going on a business trip, we haven’t been able to schedule our second date.

And now it turns out we won’t.

He sent me an email this morning that he met someone at a work Christmas party the night before his business trip and he can only concentrate on one person at a time.

I’m starting to detect a pattern here. The whole thing honestly makes me want to cry. Not about a specific man, just what feels like the futility of it all.

Thursday night I had a second date with James, nearly 3 weeks after our first date! That was all due to schedule challenges on both sides, and had nothing to do with not actually wanting to get together. We also both agreed that in today’s world of technology, being able to converse and continue getting to know each other in the meantime has been a real plus.

We met at a wine bar, a place I’d heard about but had never been to. It was much nicer than I had expected. We sat at a couch, and decided to try an appetizer and a flight of red wine. The flight included three glasses. We each chose one of the glasses, and when it was time to drink the third, we split it into two glasses. Unlike my dates with Tim, which also included wine flights, when there was much sharing back and forth. I find myself comparing a lot, which I suppose is only natural, to some extent, but I need to stop!

Anyway, James is a former lawyer, turned high school social studies teacher, and is very smart and interesting. We never lacked for anything to talk about. We also delved into some relationship history, which is really important to me to discover. No red flags, so that’s good.

When we walked out to our cars he gave me a nice hug (unlike the awkward hug of the first date) and then leaned in and pecked me on the lips. It was like a kiss you might give your kids, but at least I wasn’t actively hoping he wouldn’t kiss me.

When I got home I had an email from him that he had had a nice time and couldn’t believe how late it was when he saw the time – how losing track of the time must be a good sign.

I did have a nice time, and will see him again. I’m not feeling the CHEMISTRY I felt with Tim, but I like him.